In most homes, senior year in high school is a time of preparation, celebration and consternation. As high schoolers prepare for SATs and ACTs and contemplate their choice of colleges, their attention is also centered on graduation parties and prom. A limo rental and the right outfit can sometimes involve an entire committee to resolve. Parents and other family members often watch, carefully monitoring their emotions—excitement, joy, and a lot of dismay. This means, joy, excitement, anxiety and dread all in one breath.
When parents think of their almost-adult children going away to college, sometimes several hundred miles away and others across several states, images of a recent speeding ticket in the mail, violations of curfew, and bickering over household chores and homework quickly materialize. These often come in the form of flashbacks, intrusive thoughts they feel unable to shake up. They are jolts to the mind and worries in the souls. While grandpa and grandma encourage their grandchildren to go as far away as life may allow them, parents cannot say enough rosarios to make sure God keeps their children in a local state college; preferably, a short bus ride from home.
A lot of these fears are appropriate concerns about letting daughters and sons fly off the nest. However, these fears are often exacerbated, unjustifiably so, by the ever-present array of fear-inducing media coverage. As parents and other adults involved in the upbringing of these young men and women attempt to ascertain fact from myth, they will do well in trusting that the education they provided their sons and daughters at home has prepared them for college life.
Social scientists tell us that there is really no generation gap—i.e., a difference between the values and beliefs of parents and their children. Differences are most likely to be around the type of clothes and how to wear them rather than political or religious values. So parents can trust that their daughters and sons will experiment with some new things (e.g., a new hair style, new music, or become interested in cultures other than their own) as part of forming their own identities. However, they will largely remain the same (e.g., likely to maintain the same religious or political values). When parents trust themselves and the values they instilled in their children, it will translate in their children feeling trusted about the decisions they make. This, in turn, is most likely to contribute to their children becoming healthy, responsible and confident adults.
Now, the issue of how to remain involved remains unresolved. Nowadays, it is quite common to hear the phrase helicopter parent—usually defined as an over-involved parent, hovering within a short distance via text or phone. We suggest trying a different type of machine, a watercraft to be exact: a submarine. Yes, a submarine parent remains involved, can still hover around while invisible to his or her child’s pa-radar (parent radar). A submarine goes up to surface only when absolutely necessary (e.g., a call from a son or daughter in distress because their partner broke up with them unexpectedly or a planned visit to campus). The submarine parent remains present and alert to his or her child’s needs. He or she remains aware of his/her child’s strengths and trusts they will use them to be successful.
If the idea of being a submarine parent sounds great but you aren’t sure how to go about it, read on for suggestions to help your children have a successful college career.
Spend time saying goodbye and discussing the change in your relationship. No matter how often you talk to your child or what your current relationship is, your relationship will change. This can be a positive thing and a relationship can deepen with distance. Talk about the positive ways that your relationship will change and emphasize the idea that you are always there for them and rooting for them.
Pick your battles. You want your child to be successful and to have fun, but there are some lessons your child must learn on their own. Fussing at your child for not doing their laundry or for keeping a messy room will just increase the possibility of a deaf ear when you have something really important to share. If you don’t like the partner your son or daughter has chosen, you may want to be careful of how much you say and what you choose to say.
Make the phone calls and time you get with your son or daughter meaningful and enjoyable for both of you. Ask your child about classes, things they are involved in, and show a genuine interest in what they talk about. Also, share updates about yourself and use that time to get to know each other as adults. Your child will spend more time of their life as an adult than as a kid, so spend time working on your adult-to-adult relationship.
Always be willing to listen. Sometimes students choose not to tell their parent(s) something because they believe that the parent will just fuss at them or try to fix the problem. Let your student child know that you trust their judgment by sometimes just listening without offering suggestions and passing judgment. You will be surprised at how useful just listening can be.
Develop your own identity. Often parents become so involved in their children’s lives and helping them get to college that they feel lonely and lost when the child goes away to college. Use this as a time to do something you’ve always wanted to do or to try something new. This is a time to reward yourself for all of the hard work you’ve put into raising that child.
Trust your child and the lessons you’ve given them. Sure, you will tell yourself that you weren’t a perfect parent or that you hope your child has learned what they need from you. However, you would be surprised at how much your child has learned. Reminding yourself of the strengths you have seen your child exhibit throughout their childhood will help you relax and enjoy your child’s time in college.
Most importantly, your child’s going away to college is new and exciting. Help your child see that and show your child that you are excited for them. Although things may sometimes be rocky or scary, remember that you and your child have the skills and tools to overcome obstacles. |
